11:21 am - April 08, 2010
It don't come easy.
This song just made me cry.
"When It Don't Come Easy" by Patty Griffin
Red lights are flashing on the highway
I wonder if we're gonna ever get home
I wonder if we're gonna ever get home tonight
Everywhere the waters getting rough
Your best intentions may not be enough
I wonder if we're gonna ever get home tonight
But if you break down
I'll drive out and find you
If you forget my love
I'll try to remind you
And stay by you when it don't come easy
I don't know nothing except change will come
Year after year what we do is undone
Time keeps moving from a crawl to a run
I wonder if we're gonna ever get home
You're out there walking down a highway
And all of the signs got blown away
Sometimes you wonder if you're walking in the wrong direction
But if you break down
I'll drive out and find you
If you forget my love
I'll try to remind you
And stay by you when it don't come easy
So many things that I had before
That don't matter to me now
Tonight I cry for the love that I've lost
And the love I've never found
When the last bird falls
And the last siren sounds
Someone will say what's been said before
Some love we were looking for
But if you break down
I'll drive out and find you
If you forget my love
I'll try to remind you
And stay by you when it don't come easy
I've always felt like I was really, really good at loving people. I don't stop just because we haven't seen each other in years; no matter how furious I get, I still remember that I love you; I will always see the best when I think of you... I'm constant. Over the past few weeks, DearHusband has grown more and more distant. He puts on a good show in front of family or friends, but doesn't speak to me unless it's to answer a specific question I ask him. I've tried gently, directly, to ask him what's wrong, but I usually just get a grunt in response. "Nothing."
Six months before we got married, I was a size 2, sometimes a 4. Now, I'm a size 10, oozing through denial towards a size 12. Obviously this affects the way I see myself, but I think more than my self-perception, he sees me differently as well. Not attractive, not sexy, not interesting. I don't remember the last time I saw him look at me appreciatively.
Maybe once in February.
I feel like two different people inhabit my body nowdays. The prominent strong one is funny, positive, hardworking and lets things wash over her without effect. The small, dark one shivers all the time, cries constantly in despair, and is so raw with awareness that her husband doesn't love her, she just wants to go to sleep forever.
I wonder at my surety before we got married, that we loved each other forever. My faith in DH, and in myself. My faith in our ability to get past hurdles. Was it all just stubbornness and vanity on my part? Was I just fooling myself because I wanted to be loved so hard? How much longer can I just plug on through, ignoring that we're little more than roommates and certainly not friends?
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