11:00 pm - August 27, 2010
Foxes hold their weddings on days like this
� � I just was watching something of Kurosawa's and heard the line, "...foxes hold their weddings on days like this!"... days of rain and sunshine.
� � Sometimes I feel like I'm married to a dead man. He fixedly believes that all of life has passed him by, and is only waiting for his body to end. He's only thirty, by the way. I've tried to engage him, asking his dream job, what he would most like to do, meet, see, learn, no matter what, and he doesn't know. He can't talk to me unless it's telling me tedious stories of work for the cel phone company. This particular company is well-known for its hostile work environment and extremely low wages. Unless One created said phones, this is no one's dream job. It's a way of managing to tread water without fighting the downstream current. My husband is talented, intelligent, funny, smart, and creative. I'm proud of him. I might as well be talking into a vacuum.
� � He talks to other people, though. We went to a bbq tonight at the home of co-workers. DH was sparkling, witty, charming, loving and really the center of attention. As soon as he got in the car, there was no eye-contact, response to anything I said, or acknowledgement that I was in existance. I don't want to go out with him anymore because the "shut off" switch is so absolute. I can't take knowing he can Try, and be fascinated by interacting with other people, but has no interest in me at all.
� � Well, thanks for listening, whoever reads this. You're my only outlet for being sad, lonely, scared and in despair. The rest of the time, I do a pretty good semblance of being positive, wryly cheerful and supportive. (So sayeth I, anyway.)
P.S. JM, I've thought of your mother every day and my prayers are with her, and your family. We may not be real-time friends, but that just gets silly arguments out of the way so we can care about what's really important. Much love and support to you and yours- you know how to get ahold of me, should you need anything.
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