8:01 pm - December 09, 2006
I'm sorry... But... Not really.
I finished reading a book yesterday called Everyone Else's Girl. (Couldn't stop humming Tori Amos the whole time I was reading it.) It's a fiction, an intelligent single woman's better-than-bodice-buster-and-yet-unlikely-to-be-confused-with-War-and-Peace. I tend to overidentify with these, but bear with me, I'm working something out.
There's a line in there along the lines of "people who think of themselves as nice people or good people are often the only ones to have that opinion."
Um. I've always tried to be nice.
So, I'm kind of talking to Kyle about this indirectly today. I was looking for him to salve my ego, as at the time I was feeling sorry for myself about this girl who had said some nasty things about me, and being my usual melodramatic self. (ominous music begins) I ask him, rhetorically, why things like this happen.
He answered. (I really hate when people ask you if you "Honestly" want to know. It just means that they're about to get great pleasure out of telling you something "for your own good" that's particularly mean and nasty and they're not going to say it diplomaticly.) He thinks, (and by that I mean "everyone" thinks) I pay too much attention to strangers and not enough to my friends. I only care about other people and not my friends. My friends, I just ignore.
No need to go into the rest, I think this is sufficient to think about for now. The idea that I'm dating someone who from what I can tell, doesn't think very highly of me, I'll deal with tomorrow. After all, I did promise myself not to date any more guys who dislike me.
Okay. Criticism when I was down. I'm a big girl, I can deal. (Smirk. After a little while, that is.) I got home, washed my hair and tried for some perspective. He has a point. When I go out, I like to talk to new people. There are people that aren't in my day-to-day life, that I like, that I tend to see when I'm out. We've had great conversations and wacky little jokes that it's nice to revisit. Would I say that I know them? Not really. But we've laughed and that was nice, so I like to say hi.
I don't really know where I'm going with this. I know I'm not as nice or good as either I think I am or I'd like to be. Not really sure what to do about that, but I have a suspicion that there's not really a solution to that problem. I did always have a theory about friends and people who love you, though. I had this crazy idea that there was supposed to be more... liking going on there than maybe there is.
�
�
