10:49 pm - July 28, 2004
\"I'm here, and I'm...er...Weird...\"
So, like the phases of the moon, I'm drifting back into a dark time. Still maintaining sanity, and perspective, but somehow it's much easier to see the bad bits in life. Questioning my value, my intellect. Feeling a bit lonely, but not wanting to be around people at the same time. It's odd.
I watched a movie on Monday that I thought I'd hate. The Butterfly Effect bombed in reviews, did truly terribly. But, as it turns out, was a pretty good movie. I was once again reminded of how much Josh looks like Ashton Kutcher, which made me think of how happy my ex-loves are right now. Josh expecting the new baby with Lindsay, Eddie having found his one right person...It's so nice to know that people actually really do get their happily-ever-after. Of course, it does make me hope that fate is procrastinating over lots of character-building events because it has something super-duper in store for me, but hey. Hope's what keeps us going, isn't it?
Although, the other thing I've been thinking about from the movie was the ability to go back and change events that happened during blackouts...Now if that's not tempting, I don't know what is. I have to admit something--I do play the "what if" game a lot. What if I'd never moved to B-town? What if I'd had something resembling self-esteem in highschool? What if I hadn't done a thousand thoughtless, horrible things? What if I'd bought the RED All-Stars instead of the black ones? Had tomato juice instead of pineapple-orange? Just wondering.
This is one of those frequently-explored thought paths. It veers towards the self-pitying "If I didn't muck everything up all the time, would someone be able to love me?" and brushes up against the familiar "If I could fix things, then maybe I'd be successful and my family wouldn't have to be so embarrassed when telling folks about me..." But then it predictably pulls itself out of the doldrums and ends up with the "But if I hadn't had those experiences, then I wouldn't be myself, I'd be someone different." That just wouldn't work. I like my weird self. Even when I'm trying to explain my philosophies to someone (bcg-Auriel...) and the gist is just to wacky to understand, I like that I'm different. I like that there are more things that make me laugh or cry than other people. I like that I react differently than expected most of the time. And that's the point.
So, hep cats, I suppose that's the soapbox oratory for today. Get out there and celebrate your weirdness, however you can! Sing a little song, do a little dance! Get down tonight!
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