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3:07 a.m. - 2004-05-21
Hank Williams Jr.
Conflict. No, wait. This is exactly what Uncle Squarefoot would've wanted. I'm actually getting to know my family. And yes, Soultwin, you guys fucking rock. (sorry, you know I'm a total nut for things that sound ridiculous coming out of my mouth.) My cousins are incredibly amazing! I was always seated at the kid's table and everyone seemed so irritable. Now, I've hugged everybody until they shrank a few sizes... and we know each other as adults. I'm invited to visit, well, everybody! (Dear gentle hey-suse. I'll need to find another job just to cover the blasted plane fare.*smiling*) Ecstatic is too...jump-up-puppy, but hopefully you know the words I search for.

But I digress. Today was the funeral. I wanted to go up and speak, but maybe my story only matters to me. Which is clearly why I chose to put it on an online, public diary. Passive agressive, anybody? No? Okay, let's just stick with the story.

So there were some jerky people who felt the need to ask me, Emisary, why the rest of my family wasn't present. The whole stupid arguement, Am I my father's keeper? kept running through my head--wow, just typed heart instead of head...--Guldamerybugger. I have long since given up on ever trying to control my dad. He makes his own decisions and I respect that. They don't even know what a triumph it was for me to get him to call. Sometimes it is wearying to be the bridge, so many people keep stepping on you.

Wahhh. I know, whiney baby.

Honestly, I'm grinning like the Joker. My family loves me. Guldamerybugger! Kris knows how scared I was to come out, I thought they might not like me when they got a chance to know me in person. (Look, I know children are starving somewhere and my own stupid insecurities are insignificant, but they matter to me.) I'd better quit writing this before I justify chocolate as a vegetable.

So I'm going to go watch Scary Movie III with my cousins. Who love me. Sorry, I'm pretty blasted excited about this. Despite their choice of movie. (Hey, who knew it would be so blasted hard to find a movie none of us had seen?) Did I mention that my family doesn't hate me and thinks I'm neat-o? (which is so blasted reciprocated!)

Carl W. Lubold, Thank You. You did this and I wish you were here to see it. I even love the crankycousins. Although you would've laughed at Badteeth and Co. (NOT beautifulBaby, of course. Is there any way I could adopt her?)

This has been running through my head continuously since Saturday and I have to write it before I say it...

Do not stand at my grave and weep, I am not there, I do not sleep.

I miss dearone.

*Fcuck*

M--I feel cheeky today. But I still wish you capital Hugs on your rainy days, as you do mine.

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